thoughts that clutter

    life is a trip, but i try not to fall.

Dawn

08.12.05 (3:32 am)

So confused I feel in the morning when the sun lightly caresses my face with her rose colored fingers. No need for alarm clock, Broadway busyness attacks my serenity gradually, climaxing at exactly 9:15 am. Ahh another day. I wish I had someone to share it with. Alas, solidarity can be therapeutic right? Hmmm. Slowly rising from the safety of slumber, I recite the day’s plans. All frivolous. But hey, that is what happens when you are 20 and have nothing to with your life other than fulfill parents’ expectations. Maybe today I will by a book.

1 Comments

here we go again

08.10.05 (11:22 am)

just a thought. Its funny how one is able to think of another constantly, and not be thought of in return. Strange feeling it is, unrequited infatuation. Unsatisfying, like that Southern Comfort we drank at your party in order to forget the reality of our desolate situation. Now, I am left drunken and confused, by your indifferent reactions to my consistent actions. But yet I still am not able to move on.

0 Comments

I miss him

11.28.04 (8:12 pm)

It has been a while since I have written anything of any importance concerning me. I am typing a paper about Medea right now for my classical mythology class, and I find myself in tears. Actually I find myself in tears often. I think about him, from time and time. I think about how I messed things up with my foolishness.... and I start to cry. I try to explain this to people, but no one really cares. They tell me that its over and he was an asshole, yada yada. But I can't help myself. I can't control these feelings. and you know what. I really have tried. I know I sound like a broken record. But it is because of him I don't write, cause every time i sit down with a pen.... memories begin to shatter on to the paper like broken glass... sharp pieces everywhere ready to pierce and scar. And they do. and i lament. But what can I do. I gave myself to him. And now what I once had is gone.. and i miss it. hmmm. i really miss it. i miss him. i miss me then.

3 Comments

pretending not to hear the silence

06.27.04 (8:45 pm)

I see your lips moving but everything is silent. In my head I imagine what you should, may, want, need to say. Oh, I wish that your gentle voice could resonate in my ears, but I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I feel helpless. I feel blank. I feel…..Like the world is becoming soft-spoken, like reality is slowly turning mute each day, like I can no longer nod my head and pretend I understand. Yes, I do realize I am ambiguous and vague, but you must realize I have been in denial for such a long time because perfect does not allow imperfections. You must realize what it feels like not to hear the sweetness that pours from your beautiful lips. But instead of asking you to repeat, instead of telling you everything I should, may, want need to say, I quietly nod and continue to pretend.

1 Comments

another love poem

05.01.04 (11:56 pm)

I feel that I have given my all to you, and this is not another love poem. As I write these words, I silently hope you'll stumble across this And see what you done to me, But as I promised, this is not another love poem. Then maybe you'll realize that my state is the product Of your beguiling charm and your sweet siren's song And it is because of you I can never write another love poem. So now, I must pretend that you do not exist, And I constantly convince my self that your absence would result some sort of bliss But baby, once you were erased I only longed for you more. All I want to do is write you another love poem. When I saw you yesterday I realized that everything I once felt still remained. These luke-warm tears slowly burned reality, the ashes of my heart is that remains I know I said I wouldn't write another love poem, because when I do all that I try to forget returns. your smile, your voice, your warmth, your touch painfully sears my memory, and my soul is left forever branded. It is times like these I simply realize the only tangible thing I have left of you is this love poem.

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reality

04.03.04 (2:01 pm)

So you’re performin your redemption song. The sweet sounds caresses my soul, givin me what I need to cease my lacrimation. Though, the tracks of my tears remain; I wonder if this is merely an act of desperation. see your one man play is getting old and the curtains have closed; yes I know that my words aint cool like fresh winter breezes, but they real, real like the look in your eyes when i give u warmstickysweet kisses, the kind that remind u how u felt on those a calm summer nights on carolina beaches. just be you I am not asking for anything new. I need to know, baby, how u feel. I am too jaded to play this guessin game. damn I wish time could still so we would forever be trapped in kinder moments and forget the disappointments of the real

4 Comments

its been awhile

03.28.04 (5:12 pm)

wow, its been a loooooong time. Ive been so busy with life. Which is a good thing, but i barely have time to slow down and reflect. Everything in my life seems almost perfect. School is amazing. My friends are wonderful. Everything is just going really well, and I am truly happy. I couldnt ask for more.

2 Comments

quick update

03.17.04 (7:48 pm)

I am on spring break, so thats why i havent updated in a while. but let me tell y'all what ive been up too these past few days- 1. writing a screenplay 2. more poetry 3. relaxin and tanning. 4. makin a mini documentary okay, ill get back to ya'll when i return to nyc

5 Comments

i am sleepy

03.09.04 (10:53 pm)

i had to edit cause bryan thought that the first one sucked... cumbersome weariness kidnaps me as I battle with the lids of my unforgiving eyes. I silently plead with my waning energy which flickers like the light in the corner as distant memories of last night’s travails clutter these empty thoughts and wrestle for my divided attention. I then fall, surrendering reality To the idea of sweet somber.

4 Comments

like a sirene i am

03.04.04 (10:01 am)

so someone told me yesterday that the reason why i have so many problems with boys is that i have beguile charm..... im taking thats not a good thing on another note.... someone asked me what i wanted in a relationship, couldnt answer then... but i ve figured it out. I want a sunday kind of love, gone with the windesque kisses, random acts of kindness, and sweet caresses... i want to be held when i am happy, rocked when i am sad, i want someone to wipe my tears and tell me its okay, i just want to be content, i want everything else to be irrelevant, i want i want i want so much. oh well.

7 Comments

Roses

02.29.04 (8:38 pm)

So my memory flutters like the wings of the butterflies in his garden. I have to force myself to remember those dear times when happiness poured over me like sweet water, allowing this soul to bloom. Regret falls gracefully by these roots, sinking into oblivion. From the composite of mistakes, I grow strong and delicate, like the roses

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toot toot

02.27.04 (5:45 pm)

its my birthday. but i am still a baby.

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Saw him today, but i am ok

02.24.04 (11:55 am)

I see you across this smoky room, books and such are the only boundaries between us. But nothing has changed, boundaries Have always prevented us from seeing Each other. You look up, meticulously painting An uneasy smile, on your blank Expression The sharp silence is deafening. But I chose not to listen. I am happy now. Soy mocha to go.. I hear myself mutter, and with those words I let you go.

8 Comments

blank

02.19.04 (12:46 pm)

have you ever had that feeling when you do not want to do anything? You just want to lay around and be lazy. Let time evaporate into oblivion. Let your mind wander and wonder. Well that’s how I am feeling right now. I feel blank, but not in a bad, depressing way. Just blank, like notebook paper waiting patiently for mysterious words to fill the lines, waiting for blacks or blues to fall with out parachutes and splatter on to the surface, as a result, feelings and emotions gracefully emerging from the chaos, like those tall and beautiful flowers that grow in garbage dumps. Okay, I am rambling….. but my point is that this “blankness” feels good, for now I have open space to grow. My mind is no longer cluttered with unnecessary problems and thoughts… its free. I don’t know what exactly prompted this feeling…. Maybe it is the fact that I have been delirious for the past 3 days because of a fever and head cold… or maybe it’s the fact that I have learned to accept my own flaws, and I have become okay with myself. Well, to be honest I do not think the reason really matters at this point… all I know is that I feel content. And with this knowledge I can get through the day.

6 Comments

bad day.

02.17.04 (7:02 pm)

Carefully piecing together the fragments of my soul, I sigh, Wondering if my youth will wane Like a dying fire. Silently, I meticulously paint A veneer of fabricated happiness on To my mosaic masterpiece. Little girls in pink bows have nightmares about days like these.

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glorious

02.12.04 (7:21 pm)

Ah, what a glorious day. As I walked to class, the clouds parted allowing, the friendly sun to smiled on me. The birds sang a sweet melody, the cool wind gently played with my hair, and the world seemed happy. Not that fake kind of happy that people pretend to be when they meet old friends that they never really liked, but a genuine one, the kind of happy that makes you warm and tingly all over… well the world felt like that today. Everybody and everything looked grateful, I saw peers laughing and gossiping with friends, old ladies sharing tea and biscuits on benches, professors exchanging teaching techniques. And You know what it felt good. So much hurt and pain has been going everywhere, and it was reassuring to see everything look so calm and serene, especially here in the middle of the city. It was almost like I was in the eye of a hurricane; I know that sounds so cliché, but its true. The moment was perfect and peaceful even though I still understand that chaos is near, it felt good to get that brief shot of bliss today, and let me tell you the experience was intoxicating. It’s the memory of days like these that get me through those bad days…. For no matter how many things go wrong within 24 short hours, I will always remind myself that better days are to come. Have a lovely valentine’s day. Tell the people you care about that you love them

8 Comments

hmph

02.11.04 (9:48 pm)

damn damn.. i just spent 30 mins typing an entry about the subway and i deleted the whole thing, damn damn damn. i will re write it tomorrow sorry.

3 Comments

random acts of kindness

02.04.04 (10:24 pm)

Its day like these that make me feel extremely warm inside. You know that feeling when you smell your mother's homecooking, or when you are driving down a long road and only green lights greet you , that feeling when you made an A on that hard test. Well that is my mindset right now. Everything is falling into place, my life seems to be like a 10000 piece jigasaw puzzel, that one u want to finish but never get the patience to sit down and spend time on.. so right now I am quitely and diligently piecing the random bits together... and I can finally make out what the picture looks like... yeah yeah, I have a long way to go... but you know what ... thats ok. You may be wondering why I am feeling so good, well it all started early this morning when I was about to get on the subway, and my metro card wouldnt work. I was muttering to myself how awful the day was going to be... and then out of no where an old lady came up to me... her tangled hair covered her withered face, as she slyly glanced up and gave me a toothless smile. I politely said that I didnt have any spare change...she shook her head and laughed and motioned me to her... I held my breath and slowly walked over to the corner she was standing in. muttering, she looked around as if someone was watching us, and she quickly handed me a metro card. Confused, i took the card and swiped it to see how much money was on it. 8 dollars. I looked up to say thank you to the lady... but she was gone. wow. random acts of kindness in new york? unheard of. Thus was the beginning of a glorious day, full of sunshine, interesting lectures, and intellectual convesations with good friends. and it all started with an old lady with a spare metro card. who wouldve known. who would've known?

5 Comments

90 miles per hour

02.01.04 (4:40 pm)

Isn’t it odd that the more that I want something the farther it slips away. It seems like my whole life lately has been made up of mistakes, broken promises and disappointment. Lady fate has a sick sense of humor, or maybe she just likes playing these crazy games with me. The pathetic thing is that I am not unhappy, shouldn’t I be? I mean a normal person would be so strung out over the events that occur in my day to day life, but as my mother always said…. If you are driving through hell, keep driving (that’s a Winston Churchill saying by the way). But yeah, although I have my mounds of problems… in the back of my head I convince myself that some else has more problems … and in some sick way that gives me solace. Yeah yeah, its probably not healthy to think like that, but hey it is what gets me through the day. Its just that today I sat down and realized that I really have created a maze for myself, one that seems impossible to escape. I don’t know… this realization is quite disturbing… I am like damn, my life is kind of… I don’t even know the correct adjective… its not really sad per se, because I don’t feel sad, it’s not pathetic, its not awful, its not any of those… so what is it. How is it still possible for me to look at everything with my rose colored sunglasses and see past reality. Maybe I am like Candide in some respects, so naïve, so optismistic… but in the end all well ended well… right. Okay okay.. I know I am rambling, but the point is that today I took off my sunglasses and took a hard long look at the world, and to be honest it was a little too much for me. So I quickly put them back on and went on with my way… I feel like I am driving 90 mph, I have one hand on the steering wheel, my seat is reclined, the sun is shining on my face, the air conditioning full blast, the other hand on the radio dial… turning the music up… blocking the hectic sounds of reality. All I can see is what is a head of me… a long empty road, the sun setting on the horizon, and I feel content with that. But just now I rolled down the window, the sharp air whips my face, tassels my hair… and I turn to my left and everything is a blur, I turn to my right, everything is a blur. I look into the rear view mirror and my care free past fades into the distance. So I slow down, I want to see what I have been passing by all along… as the objects to the side of me become clearer, I began to see pain, sadness, and regret, so what do I do… I sped up, and that’s how I solve my problems… I sped up.

3 Comments

ok ok ok

01.31.04 (11:50 pm)

Gee I didnt realize how many peope actually read my blog. crazy.It all started when I was reading my old blog entries. They sounded so repeatitive. I felt as if my life was shallow and empty. woo is me was the common motif. Over the past months it appeared as I if did not grow or mature. My first few entries have the same tone as my last. So I thought to myself, what does this mean? how is it that within a couple of months of tears, laughter, heartbreak, new experinces and new friends, the one thing that is supposed to be a mirror of my life seems so blank? I have written numerous of poems that sound the exactly the same. he hurt me, blah blah blah blah. So then I knew I had to make a change in my life. I have to change the focus. No its not tblogs fault that I seem to write about the same things over and over... but I felt that I had a duty to do for myself to re-evalute the things I felt worthy of writing. As a result, I decided to take a break. Take a break displayin my shallow emotions to the world, so that I could regain my depth. and so here i am my loves... at my computer at 2:20 trying to looking at my life from the perspective of a stranger... and i am lookin at it and shakin my head. but then something happened when i checked my site for messages, people actually wanted me to return. and it was an odd feeling. maybe my life doesnt seem so empty after all. maybe everything is not in vain. i dont know. so much has gone on in the past week and i dont even know where to began. so I am going to start over. Hi my name is Andrea. I go to college in New York. I enjoy politcs, poetry and photography. And I am content.

3 Comments

adieu

01.26.04 (9:52 am)

so my loves, i am sad to say.. but i will be leaving the world of blogging for a while. adieu. adieu

6 Comments

another complexsoul poem

01.22.04 (5:18 pm)

|20.01.04| and the beat was played by a drumstick absent the children danced with their heads spinning in the bass that created the universe and the reasonable men relaxed in the sun without stalking in blue suits with black batons so the steel pan pulsed against every ones head and freedom was theirs in that empty space after the snare and before the kick they were slaves to the rhythms that the elderly sung in rocking chairs on porches over looking the death bed of gardens fertilizing a new day. did you remember to feed the fish? first weekend in nyc... woo hoo party hardy. question of the day... if u could be any animal what would u be? i would be a lion.

2 Comments

Poem By Saul Williams

01.21.04 (7:06 am)

card board catwalk model citizen consumer of skull and bones bloodless coup eyeless third party candidate the ballot is the bullet may the best man win in the worst possible way the tao of pooh pooh martyred in the cross-fire on the banks of the tigris old testament investment liquid assets from the side of the neck a head of the game go straight to jail this soil was "in the beginning" you can't steal first base unless you make the world yankee stadium and put all shades of brown in the bleachers tide fresh and white as snow but this world is not your fantasy the sun will burn you non-existent just as you did that baghdad library where the ancient words of rumi and hafiz were palmed in the hand of fatima in the arms of mohammed we are oral historians who will not cry over burned texts we will place that ash on our foreheads and turn once more to that eastern sky chanting GOD's name and the long-winded fable of how the west became disoriented: turned away from the east in such a world the sun can only set again and again nothing is traced back to its origin the new day never begins we begin today with the same muezzin as yesterday offering salutations to the sun at the mouth of a gun we, too, speak that language we have colonized the minds and bodies of women like british soldiers crammed into a tampon they alone know to honor the four directions as you and i pray back to back o brothers the subject tonight is love why have we wasted so much time on God and gun play? we have failed our earthly mission and find ourselves at each other's throat the libraries are burning themselves down the soldiers are killing each other as themselves yet, here, it must be noted that he who has died defending his own land maybe experiencing his final incarnation having fulfilled his karmic responsibilities on this plane woe to the soldier who has killed on foreign soil although he may think himself victorious he will have many more lives to realize the futility of his fighting it is the so-called victorious that must learn to surrender

1 Comments

Fall of man

01.20.04 (7:23 pm)

First day of classes everyone... wooo hoo. and my beloved latin was the very first class of the semester.. double woo hoo. and ladies and gentleman that sums up the excitement in my life. ::bows:: Yup. Oh haha, well I did talk to the person who made me write sappy love poems today... and this was our conversation.. Me: why havent u called me in over a month Him: I called u 4 days after christmas and you never returned my calls, why didnt u return my calls Me: uh, i thought it would be werid Him: how so Me: I dunno. So yeah, ::insert sympathy here:: okay now its time for the question of the days, why? because they are fun. If you could do brunch with any dead person, who would it be and what would u say to them? Eve... ill tell her that the snake is lying. Then I'll tell the snake to tell adam to eat the apple so that eve would not be blamed for the fall of man :shock:

3 Comments

disco queen

01.19.04 (4:02 pm)

so yeah today was a wonderful day in the good ole city. oh yes it was. I woke up to the sound of bustling cars and angry taxi drivers. ahhhh.... i love new york. ::sigh:: hmm. yeah. I had yummy mexican breakfest on 108th street. I dont think that our waitress liked me cause i didnt speak to her in spanish. (people assume I am domincan or cuban). so yeah, the food was good, minus the evil glances our waitress gave me. hmmm.. food yummy.. ahh... i think I am going to get some now. question of the day: if u could go back in time.. what era would u go to... me.. I want to to go the 70s and be a disco queen

6 Comments